“But you guys just have it so easy!” Yes, we do have a pretty strong co-parenting relationship with both of our exes but the truth is, it hasn’t always been that way.

John and I started dating about five years ago. Shortly after we met, John’s ex-wife told him about her intentions to move. The location….130 miles north! Wait, what?!! Almost immediately, that strong, hands-on, loving dad began to worry, to question how this distance would affect his day-to-day with his little girl. And yall, that little girl eats, sleeps, and breathes here daddy! Its love like no other!!!

This momma bear, even though I was super new to the equation became super protective! And it wasn’t long before our conversations changed from our dreams for our future to how do we protect your relationship with your precious daughter. When my ex-husband and I made the decision to divorce, lawyers and court orders were part of it. It was ugly and hard but it was helpful and allowed us to move forward towards healing. It was what I knew…and it was what I suggested John seek out. They say hindsight is 20/20 and if I had known then, what I know now, I can’t say that was the best next step.

Two parents who up until that moment had communicated regularly, sharing equal time and responsibility for their little one were now being put against each other, dragging up old hurts and wounds, all for the purpose of “winning” But what was that anyway?!! Because in the end, “winning” was only hurting. Two families who, all of a sudden, could barely stand to be in the same space together, tears on tears, endless amounts of money spent on lawyers, guardians, and days missed from work, unimaginable distance, and a perfect little girl who could feel every single bit of all of it! It doesn’t sound like winning to me. To look back on all of it shatters my heart. And the responsibility I have felt for all of it has been crippling (me and Jesus are working on that!)

But God! Its been five years…five years of long drives through crazy Atlanta traffic, weird visitation schedules, fake smiles, Facetime calls, and endless Google calendars. Five years of apologies, healing, forgiveness, grace, and teamwork. Five years of growth, prayer but mostly love! We’ve spent five years moving forward, five years praying for someone who felt like our biggest enemy, five years loving people who, at one time, we thought were unworthy of love. And, that now seven year old little girl, is winning!

Yes, there are still times when driving all the miles is hard or a text message is misinterpreted and I would be lying if I said I haven’t had the occassional eye roll, but its become the exception and not the rule. I will never be able to give those moments back that our court journey took away. Oh how I wish I could. But there has been so much joy in that journey.

That journey is what pushed John and I to step out and start our own business…a business that has not only blessed our family financially and allowed me to step away from my teaching career but also given us time freedom beyond belief. Time that we were fighting so hard and holding on to so tightly during those court visits. Time as a family was what was driving all of it and God has given us abundantly more than we could have ever imagined in the middle of our storm. And because whats a little stress without a little more crazy…we even got married during that season. (In our defense though, we thought we were going to be done with all of it when we started the planning but it took a little bit longer than expected.)

Here’s the thing…Divorce is hard. Co-parenting is harder. And court…it will tear you apart in ways you didn’t think were possible. As a society, we seems to view court as the only solution but, goodness, it doesn’t have to be that way. There are so many wonderful things that have happened in past five years. Things that I am confident would not be our current reality without that terrible season. I am thankful that we learned this lesson when our girl was too young to remember or understand what was really happening. We were able to hide so much from her but that isn’t the case for everyone.

If, during your journey, you find yourself in front of a judge or sitting in a lawyer’s office or being served with some sort of modification to custody, can I encourage you to remember this: God is bigger than your custody agreement and His plans always win the day.

Our babies have belonged to Him since conception. They’ve never really been “ours”. They’re just on loan to us while we exist on this planet. So, choose being kind over being right. It may be hard or sound ridiculous now, but I can promise it will be worth it in the long term. I love my kids too much to do anything but love the heck out of the other human who helped create those babies. Because, those smiles…Oh, my heart! <3 <3 <3

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